There are times I wonder if I’ll ever cry again and other times I wonder if I’ll ever stop. Some sadnesses are small affairs that can be acknowledged and invited to move on. But some sadness takes possession of you with no warning. The tears start and you know you’ve got to find a refuge of time and space to let them flow. There may or may not be a trigger. Usually its some obvious wound but it soon becomes apparent that it is attached to to an unending string of wounds that tug on each other like the magician’s scarves. There’s no way to skip over it, dissipate it with time tested tricks of gratitude, or convince it to wait. Time to invite it in like Billy Holiday’s heartache.

2020 capped off 4 years of insanity and raised the bar of craziness with daily outrages, constant head shaking and jaw-dropping, and loss. Loss of decency, loss of trust, and loss of lives by the most needless means. It’s persistent onslaught has awakened stellar journalism and a slew of tell all books. It’s a year with so much soul challenging material, I find myself surprised at my silence in commenting on it as it passed through. But it was too big for me. My energies were devoted towards maintaining some personal balance in stormy waters, nurturing the priorities in my life, and fighting off memories of the late 60s and early 70s.

The world has changed forever and I feel a personal shift as well. Though I have been lucky to live a life in which the recent world events barely touch the actualities of my life, I suffer from the grief spurred by a litany of losses, confusion brought on by unending irrational behavior, and fear for the tragedies I see coming. I feel a need to review the year and see what I find worthy of remembrance.

In reviewing my pictures, I see it was the normal year of fabulous heavenly events, Sky Valley’s nurturing beauty, jigsaw puzzles, seasonal cycles, and personal projects. What I see missing are trips to Montana, visits with friends and family, and our normal opera and ballet venues. These are small sacrifices to keep ourselves and family healthy. What also lies unexpressed in pictures is the rapid digression of Chulo and my mom. Both their worlds are getting smaller due to their diminished sensory acumen and both are getting more frail while still enjoying what they can. It’s a testament to their resilience but sometimes difficult to watch.

We have been fortunate to have only lost one in our circle of love to Covid 19 and do all we can to keep it that way.

Here’s a brief review of the year:

JANUARY:
I remember it coming into view with the wishes for the gift of clarity as in having 20/20 vision. In hindsight it does not seem to have fulfilled the promise of its numerical meaning.

FEBRUARY:
Just like always, the wildflowers started in February. Not a spectacular year but always exciting after the a long brown winter.

MARCH:
Last opera, last safe hug, and last face-to-face Sunday meditation meeting.

APRIL:
We celebrated my mom’s 97th birthday with a great meal and cake. It was really satisfying to complete a project putting together my dad’s flight notes from the war with the map of South America on which he charted them. It hangs in my office so I see it everyday. Tootsie woke up in time to graze on the wildflowers in the front garden

MAY:
The first rattlesnakes and chuckwallas appeared and I took a couple of bird drawing classes with a very fun instructor online. A gift of the pandemic to have these free classes. I was amazed to find my drawings actually looked like birds!

JUNE:
Juneteenth got me interested in flags. I bought the official Juneteenth flag and found a site where you could buy protest flags that donated some of the sale price to worthy causes. An obsession ensued.

JULY:
The protests in Hong Kong were so inspiring I made my own rendition of their protest flag since I couldn’t find anywhere to buy it. By the time I’d made it, the Chinese government had shut down the protests and made it illegal to be in possession of one of these flags. It flies in the Western portion of the Medicine wheel opposite the Oglala reservation flag that flies in the east. Good company. John Lewis left us in this month

AUGUST:
The fire near Morongo was pretty close and brought us visions of a red sun shining through the smoke. I finally found a place to break down the phrases from Desiderata. I printed them out and attached them to a bunch of metal plates I took from Elizabeth’s estate. The mark the path of the Labyrinth so you can read through the whole poem as you travel in and out of the Labyrinth.

SEPTEMBER:
I began Deng Ming-Dao’s Tai Chi and Tai Chi Sword Basics classes that will continue through January. I count it as another gift of the pandemic to have brought this opportunity to me online. I have followed him for years and never been able to attend his workshops. RBG left us in this month

OCTOBER:
Flags for Good released a black Dissent flag with RBGs lace collar depicted. It flies with the Hong Kong protest flag at the Medicine Wheel. The bathroom project began at the end of the month. Another long envisioned project started.

NOVEMBER:
The Medicine Wheel received a major enhancement by laying down red mulch in the pathways in reference to the “Good Red Road” espoused by the Lakota Sioux. Another long held wish to work with Porfirio Guiterrez, master weaver and dyer in the Zapotec tradition, came true online. I jumped at the offer to attend an online weekend workshop in dying fabric with cochineal and osage orange. Tootsie went down for her winter nap.

DECEMBER:
My birthday month found me cracked open to some new awareness and personal reflections. Stray conversations and events awoke me from the sleep of routine and habit. Must be time to shake the bars of the prison and clean out some space in order to receive the new. So from this limbo space of letting go and waiting for the new, I enter that emergent phase of fear and wonder about coming changes. I know that my deep connections with my dearest friends will be the bedrock from which to explore while forging new connections with an open mind will fuel the change. Come on 2021 – show me what you’ve got!